The Feeling of Sundays – The feeling of Nothing.

For most people, Sundays is the day to unwind and relax. Perhaps fire up the grill, pop open some cold brews, or just relax at home and watch television. But for me Sundays is just like any other day-a day to reflect about life and past mistakes.

I woke up this morning and looked at my reflection in the mirror and just asked myself, “now what?” I know I should be grateful that I’m alive and start a new day but how can I when each day I wake up to, I feel nothing… I look forward to nothing… I have nothing… I have no one…

Sometimes I just want to take another pill, just to feel that euphoria of brief joy. Even just for a little bit. Just to get me through the day. But here I am, just staring at the screen, trying to conjure up words to put together and I can’t even do that…….

Hope you all are enjoying your Sunday.

Take care…

 

 

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Books for the Soul and for the Brain

During my darkest times in my twenties, I honestly felt alone and didn’t have anyone to talk to. No one really wants to hear my problems and I don’t blame them because I’m sure they had their own. This was the time that lead me to writing or journaling and reading more books, especially the books I posted above. These are just several books I own that helped me get through the struggles we call “living.”

I really enjoy reading books from Napoleon Hill. “Keys to Success” is what I’m currently re-reading and “Think and Grow Rich” is a recent purchase of mine. I also have his other book called “Outwitting The Devil” that is coming next week.

“The Art of Work” by Jeff Goins is also a favorite of mine that I can re-read throughout the years. It’s about finding your passion in life and pursuing it. As a person with ADHD, it is difficult to find my purpose because my brain is just constantly thinking of multiple things at once and sometimes it leads me to doubt my ability to succeed.

Reading these books gave me some clarity and a meaningful reason to keep fighting. To keep pursuing “success” at any means necessary.

I wanted to share this to the people who are struggling and perhaps need an outlet.

Take care and thank you for reading.

Get Lost In The Moment

Sometimes for people like us, who struggle with the demons we face in our lives, as well as the demons in our heads, we tend to search for sanctuary. We struggle with so many things in our lives and we get to that point where we just don’t know where to go and who to turn to that understands how we feel.

For me, music is my sanctuary, my own portal to another dimension where there’s no pain or anger. When things get very overwhelming for me, I just listen to one of my favorite songs or I just listen to whatever is playing on Pandora. This new artist in my playlist that I have not heard of before has been assembled into one of my favorites.

“Blindsided” by Bon Iver may be an older song from 2007 but it is new to me. When I first heard the song, I started to feel this surge of amplified waves in my body. Almost similar to goosebumps, but no goosebumps. It made me close my eyes and get lost in the moment as I listen to it. I never really experienced nature but when I listen to the song, that’s where the music transports me to. Somewhere quiet, with mountains, blue skies, lakes and just pure bliss. Here is the song. Hope you guys enjoy.

 

I’m old, I’m tired, I’m clueless.

Today I woke up feeling a little bit hungover. I definitely blame that on this store-brand imitation of ZZZ-Quil I took last night. It gave me a late effect but it sure did knocked me out cold. But aside from the feeling of being lost, I also decided to drop two online-classes. One actually started today and I was reading through the syllabus, I saw the word “quiz” and I started freaking out and just dropped the class. Following that I dropped another online-class that doesn’t start until July, but the thing is I had a total of four classes this summer. It was another impulsive mistake that I did trying to think I can conquer all these crash-course classes before the summer ends.

Like the title says, I’m old and at the age of 36, tackling classes is very daunting. I’m always tired and struggling with ADHD and depression is such an uphill battle. But why do I do these to myself? The answer to that is because I’m afraid. I’ve always have been.  Afraid of doing my own thing and not caring about what people think. Listening to people was such a mistake. Actually, listening to the wrong people was my mistake. But that’s what happens when you’re clueless right? We look for guidance even when it is from the wrong people.

What sinks me to a deeper depression is the fact that I wasted so much of my years, trying and trying to do better and thinking how much time I have left until I am actually old and decrepit. It’s hard to pull through when all hope is lost. I wish there was someone that I can speak with, that can understand and perhaps guide me.

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What I learned about chasing money

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Ahh, the root of all evil…

When I was younger, I would excitingly join my group of friends picturing our future endeavors. We would talk about chasing our career goals and wanting to make six figure salary. Everyone wants to make a lot of money, but some just don’t realize that going for a six figure career can be very challenging. As for me, I learned that the hard way.

I was a lost soul years ago and I was doing things that benefited others and not for my well-being. I admit, I was a follower and the more I followed, the more I lost myself. I wanted to be like everyone else and start pursuing a job that would adopt me a luxury lifestyle; the fancy house, the fancy cars, and the fancy vacations.

It may sound like I’m pursuing a dream, but instead I lead myself into a nightmare…

I’m not a religious person, but if I was, and there is a God, man, does he hate me very much. I honestly underestimated how difficult it is to tackle classes that would lead you to a promising career. Also, I didn’t think my personal life outside of school would lead to problems. I mean, a lot of problems.

I have made many mistakes throughout the years of trying to finish school. Those mistakes seriously broke me down and it definitely took some time to get back up on my feet and to try again. What I learned from my mistakes and the hardship of living my life, is to not give a shit about what people think..

Follow your own path and do what feels right for you. Do not chase the money, chase your dream. If there is something in life that you are good at and you see yourself making a living out of it, then go for that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t give you a six figure salary, what matters is that YOU love what you are doing.

I really wish I could have done things differently. I really regret not pursuing what was right for me. Listening to other people was the biggest mistake I ever made. But at least, now I know. Now, I much older and I can’t say I am much wiser, but I am very cautious of decision-making.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life making mistakes and feeling like a total failure. Money is not even the goal any more…

Happiness is….

That Innervoice

Today I started my online writing class. A couple years ago I decided to take one and honestly it wasn’t that bad. In fact I wanted to take more classes but unfortunately, as an LPN major, other complex courses get in the way.

The thing is, deep down, I don’t want to pursue nursing. I never really did. In fact every time i have to take science courses I dread sitting in class and opening up the text book. I also find myself falling asleep trying to study.

Ive been really thinking about not pursuing nursing anymore. But as always, I have my doubts and fears of the outcome of that will happen. I have no degree. No money.

I honestly feel like I am wasting my life being scared.

I’ve always thought of being a writer/photographer. Enrolling in writing class was the first step of going for my “dream” job. It would be a gamble, I know, but I feel like it’s what I was meant to do. I just never felt I was good enough for it or it was a joke to consider myself being a writer.

All i know is that I wish I followed the voice in my head to just do whatever makes me happy years ago and do not worry about what other people think. It had to take over a decade to reach that mentality.

Over a decade…

If I could go back in time, fifteen years ago, I would tell my young self to spend some time being alone and listen to your thoughts. You will learn a lot about yourself and you will find what your purpose is in life.

Because in the end, you’ll end up alone…

Just like now…

Trust the process

Today I was at my friend’s son’s first birthday. It turned out to be ok, for me at least. The people that were there were some old friends. People who I grew up with. Shared some good and bad memories. Each person there had their own stories. Their own journey.

I guess some where happy and some were pretending to be happy. Most of them have kids now, getting married, and starting something new. Of course there was moment where I felt jealous. I felt left out and I know I shouldn’t feel that way because I, myself, is almost done with school and will have my own story to tell.

As I came home today after the event, I felt a little lonely. Possibly because I’m single and have noone to come home to. More or less, to speak to. And I’m just imagining how each one of them will leave that party to go home to someone.

I’m doing the best I can to trust the process of what’s going on with my life. “Going with the flow” as they would say it.

Even though some of those people that I haven’t seen in a long time, made me feel awkward but I was still glad they were doing very well.

But now I’m back in my “cave” being lonely……